Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
