So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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