I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
