Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
