I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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