so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
