I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
