We tried having a conversation with our noses.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
