Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
