Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize