I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
false alarm. still invincible.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
