using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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