So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
