Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
