i think my tv is drunk
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
