a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
