Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
