I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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