yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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