Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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