apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
