Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
