dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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