if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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