You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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