I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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