seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
