I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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