Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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