dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
