life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
