I can tuck mytits in my pants
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
did i just pee glitter
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
