He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
