It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We had sex on a dog bed..
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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