His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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