Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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