did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
