I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
