Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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