I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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