Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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