hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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