my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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