remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you will always have a special place in my vag
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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