She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
