He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
