Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
