I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
A bitchslap is in order.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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