I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
