My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
