OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
