Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Randomize
