I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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