I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I need to stop coming to work sober
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
