dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
