If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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