pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
